Friday, December 20, 2013

Limiting Posts

So fun waking up to snow! Unfortunately, it makes it a bit tricky to get to grandma at Harborview for a visit. Apparently, the buses are on a snow route (whatever that means). I'm sure I can figure it out, though. I've been driving, with Dan, lately; been taking us to the gym (bypassing I5), driving to and from the grocery store, even using HWY 99 for three blocks. Even drove at night yesterday. Fastest I've driven was 40 miles per hour, but that was back in Friday Harbor where the biggest concern was hitting a deer.

I'm having so much fun getting back behind the wheel. I used to be terrified, paralyzed by the fear of hurting someone. But by waiting for over two and a half years, I think I'm ready. Knock on wood, but I haven't had a seizure since the first week of March. I am so very ready to get back to a normal life, pushing my limits to enjoy more independence. I'm more than ready to focus on things other than my brain tumor. I guess I just got kind of burnt out. Burnt out from talking about myself. I love helping people with their diagnosis, and that will never change, so please never hesitate to contact me - I just get disgusted by talking about myself all the time. I've gotten to the point where I feel like writing this blog makes me seem self-important. And that's embarrassing. I don't have anything more valuable to say than anyone else. I don't have any problems that are worse than anyone elses. In fact, I consider myself to be very, very lucky with my diagnosis, and in life. Shoot, I'm chugging along with 3.5 years under my belt. That's pretty fantastic! I'm surrounded by an amazingly supportive family, and truly the most fantastic friends on Earth, and I am deeply loved and cherished by my perfect mate, the love of my life. I'm capable, I'm improving, I'm strong, I'm happy.

I guess it's finally hitting me that what the doctors originally said, and how they treated me at the UW back in April of 2010, wasn't accurate. They made me feel like I was the fast track to die. That I was practically toast. Now, I'm realizing that this diagnosis of an infiltrating astrocytoma isn't an imminent death warrant, but instead just the reality of a life-long (whatever the duration) illness. This is a marathon, not a sprint. With the exciting concept of living several more years, possibly a decade (hey-oooo, why not, right?), I don't really want all of my time focusing on the most stressful aspect of my life. With that being said, my new idea is to do a post each Friday. That way, you guys have an update in case there are any changes, but I will also be able to focus my energies on getting back into a regular life. Now, it's possible I'll have things to say on days other than Fridays, and at that point I may toss in an extra post from time to time, but by limiting my responsibility to Fridays, it simplifies my life, and removes pressure from my mind.

I am deeply grateful for the continued support, it has been lovely to read the comments. They have been very helpful, informational, loving, kind, thought provoking, and I appreciate them all very much! I appreciate all of YOU very much. I guess I'm just sick of myself. Sick of focusing on MY problems. Sick of focusing on me. The world is both tiny, and gigantic, full of people with different lives, different accomplishments, different problems, different goals. I'm ready to look outward, to learn more from others, to think more about others, to look through a wider scope, to change gears. It's time for me to evolve, to further open my eyes. I don't know what that means for me, for my future, but it's an innate desire that I have to follow. It could be as simple as just learning, again, how to drive, to get back into running, and exercising, to garden, to find and follow my joys. As I listen to my soul's voice, to seek inner happiness, it will inevitably direct my choices, and introduce me to new avenues for me to help others, to find my purpose. I believe that in order for me to truly hear what is happening around me, the beautiful life we get to enjoy, I need to listen and stop talking about myself all the time. I want to absorb as much of this life as possible. It's just too wonderful, too fun, too gorgeous, and awe-inspiring. I want (and need) to breathe it all in, deep engulfing breaths.

The Infinity of NYC


  1. Hey Jess - much as I'll be sad not to read your posts, you have no idea at how happy I am that you have made this choice. Life is short for everyone but I suppose in a way we are the lucky ones because we actually realise its short! Far too short to be surfing Facebook, and spending time with your computer when you should be out enjoying life, your family and friends. Over the last few months I've started to step away from technology and just learn to live without a mobile phone and my twitter addiction! And do you know what its been a relief! Do not feel bad about this decision you have helped so many people over the years and its your turn now to just go and enjoy yourself. Dont be a stranger that's all I ask.

    As always love and big hugs to my amazing friend.

  2. Jess, I don't see you as self absorbed at all. It is good to see that you are heading back to the "same boring life" as other people have. At the same time, this whole experience has given you (and Dan) a much different perspective on things, keep that perspective and live! Smash all the butterflies you can with that ability to drive into them-well maybe not all of them-just focus on the road ahead and enjoy every adventure life has to offer. Every sucky day I have I find myself thinking "well at least I don't have another brain surgery to go to". This is your life ABT (after brain tumor)
    God Bless
    John (that dude who defended Dr. Holland.)
    see link : )
    (scroll to the bottom if it bores you and you will see why)

    1. Hey John, Sorry for the delay in response, I loved the video!! So very cool - thanks for posting it. Hope things are great!

  3. Jess my love,

    We applaud you. You are nothing short of amazing!!!

    We completely get where you are at and support you wholeheartedly. Always. Take a happy break. I think this will be SO great for you and think it is a fabulous idea.

    As always, sending you light and love.

    John and Steph


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