Good Morning World. I'm giddy again :) All I can think about is my wonderful life, I've been spiked with endorphins, I want to dance and celebrate and laugh - it;s so fun! Of coirse, I can't get too crazy or I'll hurt myself, no shaking the brain. I can not believe I did it, another brain surgery. SWEET! I even have some hair! I keep welling up with hapy tears because I;m alive, it is just so thrilling. It's hard to explain, but when you go in for a brain surgery, you walk into it knowing that you could die, it's a risk you are willing to take. It's not a "you could hit by a car" it's literally step by step, into the hospital, needles, IVs, anasthsia talking, lights out. You don't know what happens after that. Once you make it out you are still in dangerous water, there are a mirad of issues that come up, like my blood clot last time or the hemotoma. As the hours fall away, you start to watch and confidence grows, and when they finally release you from the hospial you get to emotionally jump for joy. You realize that you're coming into the clear. It's thrilling!! That you/'ve done it. Even when I was sobbing from pain i was ecstatic to be alive, i kept telling Dan that I can handke the pain, it means I'm here, I did it, I survived.
It's very hard to explain the way it is. To be nauseously sick, throwinng up in pain but happy is wildly confusing. My heart is just so happy. I am more appreciative after this surgery, even more grateful. I want to hug strangers, give away all of my posessions, help peopkle, thank people, get crazy and share how i feel. I haveto takeit easy though, dont want to cause an overload like a seizure.
I dint mind if i have deficits, i don't mind if im more "simple" i don;t mind if i look like a cavewoman, i dont mind the lack of sensation or physioca.l deficits, i am just HAPPY. this is just such a gift. To be happy. I remember never being happy, never content before the tumor. Never satisfied, always needing to do more, accompk\lish more, i was never happy w9ith myh looks, silently barrading myself, being my own mean girl. What's the point in that? What a B. I am so grateful that I have walked away frim that place, that I assess myself on a deeper level. I have always been vain, always wanting to be prtty and thin, and I still care, but more I carea bout being a good friend. I don;t know why im rampling, iguess its because im just so happy. By me not focusing on my outsdie as mucy, people are loving me deeply, just for who i am. it is the most amazing gift anyone could give and it makes my life so beautufil.
I still dont know what my role is on this Earth, but I am sure as hell having a blast enjoying the ride :) This tumor thing isn;t that bad. I continue to learnso much, make amazing friends, meet brillant doctors, explore cuttng edge research, and go amazing places, all in the name of survival. Oh shoot, gotta go to NYC to check out a Dr. Dang it, I;ve got to head to LA and meet with a surgeon. Seriously, it'sawesoe. I am so gratefl f9r the fundraising, thatnk you for helping me. thyank you for encouraging me to go for the best care, to just do it, not give up, shelll the money and reward myself with the ultimate healthcare. it can feel gluttonous to consider Germany, but then i think, dom't be foolish little girl, pay the money, get the treatment, the whole point of this journey is to to heal and survive :)
You guys, we are on the right track, and we have everything goijng for us. Life is exciting!!
