Today, my mother, my father and I wrangled all of my medical bills and did my taxes. It was incredibly emotional. Looking through the paperwork, seeing terms like emergency anesthesia, catheter insertion, physical therapy, contrast dye, speech therapy, etc. brought be back to what I've gone through in the past year.
It was eye opening to review all of the itemized bills, listing in black and white what I dealt with. It made me so thankful for my amazing body and mind. They're so resilient, so hard working. It's pretty easy to go day by day, but when I look at the big picture this whole experience is incredibly profound.
Danny brought into our relationship a beautiful lab/Chesapeake Bay retriever mix. I've come to see my body just like Emma (the dog). My body follows my mind everywhere I go, happy, full of energy. It does the best that it can on any given occasion. It thrives on challenges, seldom complains and wants to please me.
I view my physical body and my mind as two different entities. I think it's because I've seen first hand how they are intertwined but can exist relatively apart. They're very different but equally important.
I am forever grateful for my body. My body blows my mind. I went for a run today after work. I had been feeling heavily burdened by the reality of all of the medical things my body and mind experienced. I wasn't sure if I could do the three mile minimum that I like to place on myself for workouts. Once I stepped on the treadmill and started running, I began thinking about how badly I wanted to run after the surgeries but literally was not able. I thought about all of the work, all of the baby steps, that I had to do to get to the place where I am now.
Around the fourth mile I started quietly crying, pushing faster and faster, eventually ending with the final mile in 7.3 minutes. I can only hope that the guys on either side of me thought the salty streaks were sweat. It was a mix of happy tears and pain for my body. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. What I'm trying to say is that my body has been through so much, and it gives and it gives and it gives. The poor thing has been brought to the brink, and still it rises up through the pain, the discomfort, the confusion. My body is a gift. Each little cellulite, every masculine muscle, all of the wrinkles, even my lone saddlebag. I care much less about the imperfections these days because it takes me everywhere I need to, lets me push it to no end, and keeps coming back for more. I know I'm lucky. My health is a gift.
Apr 7, 2011
Apr 5, 2011
Flying Off The Cuff
Hi Friends! Sorry it has been so long for a post, I've been doing too many things, and I've found myself exhausted. So exhausted, in fact, that at the end of the day my mind is fuzzy.
My priorities are work, running, and sleep. After that, whatever I have left in my tank is used up on laundry and things of that nature. My brain has been pretty wacked lately. I'm not sure if it's just my schedule or what, but I've been having more severe headaches and what I call, "fuzzies." The fuzzies are when my mind feels like it's foggy. Hard to explain. It's like my brain is heavy, like a sponge that's soaked in water. Last night, without the help of a sleeping aid, I slept undisturbed for eleven hours. I basically went dormant.
Part of the exhaustion may be due to the fact that at night, before I sleep, I started reading my first real book. It's absolutely amazing! It was a recommendation from Jessaca's mom, and I'm telling you, she does not disappoint. It's called Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand. If you click on the title & the author it'll take you to Amazon.com where you can read an summary. It's a true story, and I'm telling you the writing is beautiful.
Anyway, I've been really challenging my mind with this book. I do some of the reading aloud to Danny which truly is the hardest part. I still stumble over more words than I used to, and the more exhausted that I become, the more words I don't notice. Danny's patient with me though, and doesn't mind helping me practice (It definitely helps that it's a WWII drama with B-24's and references to Zeros!).
I came to the computer tonight to share the stories of my presentations, but this is the blog that plopped on the computer screen. That's what usually happens with this thing, I'll have a plan to share a specific story, but it just never ends up the way I expect. I open the computer and my fingers start punching keys until there's a word, then a sentence, then I've got several paragraphs, and it was never what I was planning on saying. I guess it's just what I was thinking or feeling. It's nice being able to just fly off the cuff like that. No stress.
I'll share about the presentations soon, I promise. I will tell you now though that the people are so gracious when I share my story. At the end of my little presentations I feel so grateful to have the chance to share. It's honestly a very selfish thing to do, sharing my story. I'm able to communicate, connect, interact, laugh, smile, answer questions, hopefully inspire someone, and challenge myself. It's such a fantastic opportunity. My whole goal is to leave people appreciating their life, find their smile, challenge themselves and absolutely, under no circumstance, give up. That it. That's my goal. It might be lofty, but it's fun to try!
My priorities are work, running, and sleep. After that, whatever I have left in my tank is used up on laundry and things of that nature. My brain has been pretty wacked lately. I'm not sure if it's just my schedule or what, but I've been having more severe headaches and what I call, "fuzzies." The fuzzies are when my mind feels like it's foggy. Hard to explain. It's like my brain is heavy, like a sponge that's soaked in water. Last night, without the help of a sleeping aid, I slept undisturbed for eleven hours. I basically went dormant.
Part of the exhaustion may be due to the fact that at night, before I sleep, I started reading my first real book. It's absolutely amazing! It was a recommendation from Jessaca's mom, and I'm telling you, she does not disappoint. It's called Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand. If you click on the title & the author it'll take you to Amazon.com where you can read an summary. It's a true story, and I'm telling you the writing is beautiful.
Anyway, I've been really challenging my mind with this book. I do some of the reading aloud to Danny which truly is the hardest part. I still stumble over more words than I used to, and the more exhausted that I become, the more words I don't notice. Danny's patient with me though, and doesn't mind helping me practice (It definitely helps that it's a WWII drama with B-24's and references to Zeros!).
I came to the computer tonight to share the stories of my presentations, but this is the blog that plopped on the computer screen. That's what usually happens with this thing, I'll have a plan to share a specific story, but it just never ends up the way I expect. I open the computer and my fingers start punching keys until there's a word, then a sentence, then I've got several paragraphs, and it was never what I was planning on saying. I guess it's just what I was thinking or feeling. It's nice being able to just fly off the cuff like that. No stress.
I'll share about the presentations soon, I promise. I will tell you now though that the people are so gracious when I share my story. At the end of my little presentations I feel so grateful to have the chance to share. It's honestly a very selfish thing to do, sharing my story. I'm able to communicate, connect, interact, laugh, smile, answer questions, hopefully inspire someone, and challenge myself. It's such a fantastic opportunity. My whole goal is to leave people appreciating their life, find their smile, challenge themselves and absolutely, under no circumstance, give up. That it. That's my goal. It might be lofty, but it's fun to try!
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