Start With A Plan

I'm not sleeping well, and it's causing my wires to cross and fizzle. I'm trying to focus on the moment, but I keep worrying about the future. I've always been this way, borrowing trouble. I'm a planner by nature, and now I need to adjust my whole life. I had certain goals and expectations, and unfortunately I need to adjust them.

Prior to this diagnosis I was looking into attaining another degree. I've always enjoyed studying, learning, and challenging myself. Now, I'm just trying to read and comprehend. My goals are smaller, and although I'm really grateful to see improvement, I'm still scared about what this means for the future. Even if I could master my reading comprehension, I don't think I could justify taking on more college loans when I know I am a medical liability. In life, my calendar will be dictated by my MRIs and doctor's appointments and I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to school again. It doesn't look like further education is the best option. 

With that, I'm worried about my potential. I don't know if I'm going to be much of an earner - which unfortunately, is exactly what I need to be. I'm in a position where I can never be without medical insurance, and already my premiums are through the roof. I can manage things, but again, I'm having to adjust my expectations.

I keep trying to think of my strengths so that I can capitalize on them, but maybe it's still too soon for me to be this serious. I'm not the best at objectively analyzing. I know I should calm down and focus on the daily goals, but it's hard to have "real life" looming over me. I want to think that things will just work out, and I'm sure to a certain extent that is true, but I also have always felt that in order to reach your goals you have to start with a plan.

My First Haircut

Yesterday, on the six month annaversary of the second brain surgery, I decided to get my first hair cut and color. Prior to the appointment I had avoided any kind of heated hair tool, hair dyes, sissors or cutting tool of any fashion. My hair had been pure. Well....no longer!!!

I now have a fun color, and an actual hair style! Woo hoo!!! I wish I could say that I am not my hair, but the truth is that I have always been a hair girl. With my short brunette hair I had been feeling like Harry Potter, and needless to say, that's not a sexy feeling. Now, I'm starting to find my mojo!

These past six months have happened so fast, and yet I feel like I've been reborn, and gained a lifetime of wisdom. I wouldn't say that I'm wise, but I have definitely learned an unreal amount of lessons.

I still wouldn't change my life, I'm a better person because of this tumor. The challenges are still facing me, I'm still getting back on my feet. I'm still working incredibly hard to fight this diagnosis, but at the same time I'm able to enjoy the gifts in life. In fact, this past week I was able to start up with my women's soccer league. I'm so grateful that I can run, and I can play. My life is wonderful. Even though it's literally raining outside, I feel like I have sunshine from the inside warming me. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's just how I feel. Things aren't always perfect in my daily life, and sometimes I worry more than I should, but I'm ecstatic about my life. This little lemon (as my friend AJ calls it - which is awesome!) does not define me, instead, it has developed me. I'm a different person. Like a new and improved version of Jess - Jess 2.0.