I've been feeling vulnerable for so long. And truly sad.
My heart has been raw.
I haven't been able to write because I couldn't pretend. The whole point of the blog has been to have an outlet. It's where I can be me, but I never expected it to grow like this, and it puts me in a unique position. Sometime this summer the blog surpassed 1,000,000 hits.
It's flattering, and terrifying. My stomach just cramped with the thought.
With that understanding, how do I write my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my pain, the details of my life? I mean REALLY be authentic?
I have so much to tell, the missing links in my life. I would love to get it off my chest, to share my truth, but I can't do it.
And it suffocates me.
It's been a very challenging year, full of heartache, and family drama. And it hurts daily.
Maybe just stating that truth will give me some peace.
Fortunately, I've been seeing a therapist weekly for months, and months, and she's helping me navigate this dynamic life full of oddities that involve living with cancer, going through treatments, recovering from the damage from surgery, the emotional toll of facing Death all the time, the complicated family relations. And with all of that, I'm trying to stay present, and happy, while understanding that my life is not what I dreamt it would be (kids, career, driving a car, being able to handwrite, type, trim my own nails, etc.) And I'm losing too many of my cancer friends, like Crush. I mourn that loss everyday.
Sometimes I overthink, and wonder why I'm even here.
It's a lot of heavy stuff.
So that's where I've been. And Saturday, I have my brain MRI. I'll let you know how it pans out.
Thank you for listening, and your patience while I have been unable to write or respond. I really appreciate your kindnesss/patience!
xo
