I woke up smiling! YESSSSSSSSS. I'm back!!! Happy Jess is here again. I think it's because I had a nice cry last night. As we were going to sleep, Danny wrapped me in his arms. I felt engulfed in warmth and love. It's so important to feel safe, and loved. Both Danny and I are surprised by how the doctors effected me. I knew they would want to put me back on seizure medicine, and that they would probably try and strong-arm me into radiation, but what I didn't anticipate was their hostility. I just don't think there's a need to treat people that way. Almost everything in the world can be discussed in a nice way. That's what I think anyway. Not that I don't get sassy sometimes, but all in all I try to be kind, and think about the other person's position. Egh. Oh well. It's all good - I woke up smiling, and that's what I needed! You can fake a good day, often when you do fake it you turn out being happy anyway, but when you wake up with a smile on your face that is the best!
I'm so glad that I'm feeling happy deep in my soul because today is going to be a bit of a trial. Today is the day that the doctors are going to remove that moderate/severe precancerous mole that they weren't able to completely remove. Here we go, they're going to take a big old chunk of tissue, complete with stitches. I was telling Danny last night that I feel really bad being such a baby, but I'm so done with pain. I'm sick of it, and it's been so long since the surgeries. All I really have to deal with is the contrast dye IV, and that fall while running the other day...ooops. That was embarrassing. Oh well, I'm going through with the procedure, even though I've canceled it before. My body obviously cannot fight cancer very well - or it used to not be able to fight it, the past three months look pretty promising. Anyway, better safe than sorry. Other than the fear of pain, I'm also very upset that they're removing a massive chunk from my smaller breast. Most women (maybe even men) have one breast a little smaller than the other. Of course, my bad mole is on my baby breast. Damn!
You know what, they can chop a chunk of my breast, they can go digging in my brain for tumor, they can boss me around, and that's ok. They won't break me. They never do. They can't break my spirit, and they can't take away my inner happiness. Even if I have a bad day, I always bounce back. No one can take that away from me. That's a consoling thought.
