I feel like I'm in limbo. During this past year, I kept thinking, "If I can just [walk/run/talk/read] make it one year, I will have conquered this. I'll be back to my regular life." I kept my scope on the one year mark, always working toward a better future.
I was reeling, just trying to function and progress. Now I don't know how to navigate. I feel like I have completely different challenges, like, what to do with my life. I'm enjoying doing presentations. I'm enjoying my job. I'm enjoying trying to be healthy and running, but I want to challenge myself further. I just can't seem to figure out which challenge to take on. It has to be sincere, and from the center of my heart or I know I won't finish, or give it enough effort. Maybe the challenge will present itself, and I won't have to even think about it, kind of like the brain tumor. That was certainly a monumental gift of a challenge.
Somehow I thought that if I could survive the first year, everything would fall into place and my life would make sense. Instead, lately, I find myself sitting straight up out of a deep sleep, my heart racing, the previously subconscious notion of death bearing down on me. I can not ignore the reality of this diagnosis, and yet I don't want to obsess over it. I can say that, and yet, at the same time my body knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, I'm scared.
I'm in a new phase. I'm out of survival mode, I'm in a grey area.
