I'm exhausted. Yesterday, Danny spoke with my radiologist's nurse and asked several questions about my recovery, the treatment options, and what's expected as this tumor grows. After processing the information, I did a lot of crying. I'm scared. I know that I'm doing okay right now, but I'm still afraid for the future.
The nurse said that because the tumor has grown into my brain mass, like little fingers, that other than radiation there won't be a lot of treatment options. Although I have the void where the majority of the tumor was removed, the tumor will most likely continue to grow both in the void, and within my gray matter. The main concern is the tumor cells growing within my gray matter. As those grow and multiply, I will start to have more and more trouble with my cognitive function. I'll progressively lose motor skills and physical abilities. It is expected that I'll lose my ability to communicate, and the ability to take care of myself.
That's a lot to take in. I realize that there are miracles, and that there's still a 1% chance that everything will be fine, but it's still hard to hear. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, and I don't want to pretend that this isn't happening.
I'm grateful that I have the time to prepare myself for what most likely will happen. I'm grateful that I still have my cognitive abilities, my speech, and my physical health at this point. I still miss my long hair, but other than that I'm just extremely grateful for my life.
I'm lucky because a lot of people never get to plan and lessen the blow.
It's just hard, that with each piece of new information I have to analyze my life. Danny has asked me to marry him, many times now, but how can I feel good about the burden that I'm putting on him. What a horrible position for him to be in. I'm so grateful that he loves me so much. I'm still afraid to legally marry him. I know that when a single person without assets dies, their debt dies with them. If I marry Danny, when I die, he is blessed with not only anguish but what could turn into massive debt. How can I feel good about that? The cost of radiation, any new treatments, experimental treatments, traveling for treatments, medicine, physical therapy, speech therapy, his time lost from work carrying for me, paying for health care when I'm unable to function on my own during the day, then coming home and taking care of me, I'm afraid of that future. Danny doesn't deserve this reality.
