I'm so frustrated. I'm exhausted. I sleep 13 to 15 hours a night. My thoughts don't come as easily, and I feel like I used to be able to think more deeply. These days all my head hears is frustration and complaints. I don't want to irritate my family and friends so I don't want to complain too much. I only share about 20 percent of my negative thoughts. I'm trying to force through things but it's hard. If I hear someone say, "Ugh, my hair looks awful!" I think, "Shut up, you idiot." I realize it's a pretty bitchy thing, but I just don't want to hear it. At least they have hair. I think the same thing about my hair, but I feel like I've got reason to hate my hair, or lack thereof. I realize I'm pretty self absorbed at the moment.
At least I've worked out three days in a row, it helps me keep a better mindset. Heaven help me if I wasn't working out. Today Danny and I did the treadmill and I walked quickly while Danny jogged. Of course, in my mind I was saying, "Jerk." I want to run so badly that I turned up my treadmill just to try it and in three steps I thought my head would explode. Danny gave me a look and shook his head and I went back to walking. No jogging yet.
I'm stuck between wanting to get back to my regular life, back to debating, and dinner parties, or wine dates with the girls but I don't feel back. I'm still hovering between my constant headaches, pressure in my skull, intermittent confusion, irritability at multiple distractions, all the while these issues in my mind are silent. Most people don't see these issues. They don't know what I'm thinking, or dealing with. I thought the beginning would be the hardest part of recovery. Now, I feel like I'm battling in silence. And I want so badly to get back to normal.
