Sunday, January 3, 2016

Last Chance

What if today was your last chance? That's the question I ruminated over on the 31st, as I ran a last minute, last chance, half marathon with my buddy Jules. I hadn't trained, but you guys know me - I'm always up for a challenge, and I'm not great at longterm planning. Jules had come up with an idea, a dare if you will, to run a half marathon every month for 2016. But of course, 12 half marathons in 12 months wasn't enough, we had to do a pre-half marathon, a literal last minute half marathon on the final day of 2015.

My longest run in the past year has been around 3 miles. A half marathon is 13.1 miles. A gross difference.

With my track record of race mishaps, this one was no exception. In fact, if I made New Year resolutions, it would be to pay closer attention at races. So, of course Jules and I needed to use the bathroom before we took off for the race, so as others were stretching, jogging in place, and getting ready for the start, we trailed the end of the bathroom line. As the line was halfway through, the race started. By the time we made it out of the stalls, everyone had taken off. So when we started running, we didn't know which direction to head. My instincts in these races are solid 100% off, knowing that, you can guess that we ran in exactly the opposite direction of the path. By the time we figured out where to go and redirected, we were 15-20 minutes late from the starting gun.

It was 21 degrees, and icy in Bellingham, and I hadn't been running outside at all, but the second my legs started moving, I was bouncing and excited. There's this thrilling feeling I get when I run, especially when I'm in a competition. And what I learned is that the best place to start a race is from behind because you never get passed.


While I ran for that 2.5 hours (or 2.3 if you deduct our bathroom and detour incident) I had plenty of time to look out at the beauty that is the PNW. I also had plenty of time to think about my life, my health, my love for Dan, my love for my family, and friends, and the gratitude I have to be here on Earth, spending time learning, and laughing, and exploring. I know that sounds cheesy, I mean it IS cheesy, but it's also truth. Reflection is a powerful, helpful guide that reminds me of all the interesting things I've been able to accomplish, the trials I've gone through, and how fortunate I am to be in the state that I am in now. Sometimes I forget how healthy I am because I get scared by the ins and outs of treatments, of the routine MRIs - the reality of the state that I live in. I'm always trying to be present, but in each moment I feel the weight of a lead shoe waiting to drop. I know it can change in an instant, and that there is a big old blob in my brain that doctors expect will kill me.


As I ran, I kept thinking about what if this was my last day on Earth, what if this was the last time I could run, what if this was the last year of my life, what if this was the last time [fill in the blank]. Would I do anything different? Just the title of the race "Last Chance", was tantalizingly provoking. The combination of endorphins and the tease of theory, of philosophy, of desire, and potential loss, washed over me in a deep cleansing.


Since the 31st I have been crippled with soreness, with pain, but it feels glorious to be alive and although I will most certainly be training for the next 12 half marathons of 2016, I will ride that pain to every finish line in honor of my brain tumor comrades who will never have the luxury.



8 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Coconuts! So freaking proud of you two! I HATE running but I have a great story to share that relates to your new adventure. Lee (aka Wacky) and a couple of guys in our office also decided to run a half marathon a month for a full year capped off by entering Disney World's "Goofy" race - which is a half marathon on one day followed by a full marathon on the next day (you can read about it here: http://wackywarriors.org/the-wacky-goofy/). They raised a ton of money for Wacky Warriors and it allowed us slothful supporters to join in (I walked the 5k - don't judge). And this past summer, my daughter and I were in Bellingham for a long weekend (I have family there and her boyfriend was playing college baseball there for the summer). I was able to enjoy a lovely walk around Lake Whatcom and Stimson Nature Preserve - both breathtakingly beautiful. So I believe your new commitment will be leading you to some amazing adventures. Misguided potty breaks are encouraged and Mama Earth is going to bring you some spectacular glimpses into her beautiful artistry. May blessings abound you and yours in 2016! Lots of love to you!

    Criquette

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    1. As I was reading your comment, then reading about Wacky's run, I was picturing you at the finish line all confused, and excited, but confused, and then I was blown away - and still confused - he broke his arm? Then he flew to Chicago before he went to the doctor? Is that right? That is so crazy superhuman! Nick must have been looking down at Wacky laughing in disbelief, and sending him so much love to ease that pain. You and Wacky are magnificently wonderful people and I am very grateful for your continued kindness to literally everyone you encounter. You are shining examples of everything I want to be. I miss you guys. Next run, and for all the runs this year, I know I'll be thinking of all of you, and smiling up to the skies at the thought! Love you so very much!!!

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  2. Beautifully said sweet Jessica :-) Congrats on your run and all the upcoming runs :-) Happy Wonderful 2016

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    1. Thank you! And I hope you have a wonderful 2016 as well! :)

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  3. Well said Jess... articulate, rich, thoughtful, inspiring. Thank you once again for elevating my thinking and my focus. May the new year bring optimal health, great joy, extraordinary gifts. God bless your brilliant brain! love, C

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    1. Thank you. Dan and I both thought I was coming off really cheesy, but that's me, I'm pretty cheesy sometimes. I can't help it. Cheers to you, I hope you have a year full of wonderful surprises in the upcoming months. Sending love!

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    2. Maybe the teensiest bit cheesy, but definitely bold truth. Naming the things we don't ever want to take for granted. family. health. love. laughing. exploring. running half marathons. I love your audacity!

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    3. Thank you Cancer Adventures! I'm often a total cheeseball, but you're right, I never want to take things for granted. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to comment. :)

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