Thursday, October 22, 2015

When You Can't Bear it Alone

You guys are so sweet to me. Thank you for picking me up with the kind comments. I always feel awkward by how nice you all are, feeling like I don't deserve it. But it makes me feel incredibly special too - regardless of whether I feel like I don't deserve the praise. It took some time, but little by little I started feeling better. I did it by forcing myself to get out of the house and back into my walking group (other than today, but it's because I couldn't sleep last night and was afraid I might have a seizure). They always make me smile, fill me with hugs, and encourage me - as they do with everyone else in the group. It's more like a mutual appreciation and laughing club, that walks. In fact, I feel like I stole that description from one of the fabulous women in the group. So far I've been taking it up a notch by running to and from the walking group (other than accepting a ride home one day). Those stupid amazing endorphins really do change your mood. It's annoying but true. Aaaand convenient, I guess (she said begrudgingly). 

The MRI is set for this Saturday, with preliminary results on Monday. (I just go to the UW records department to get the results myself - no doctor.) I'm stressed, and not sleeping well, but I've laid off the anti-anxiety pills because I'm afraid I've become dependent in order to sleep. I never want to be dependent on anything. *isnt that ironic* 

As I type this, Dan is taking his three hour nap, he's currently scheduled for four days of 18 hours per day of work (trying to make up for the added expense of heading back to Germany unexpectedly for more treatments last month). Happily it's bookending the weekend so he can rest some in the middle. He's taking me to the MRI Saturday though, and it will be filmed for the upcoming documentary episode. They're also going to film on Monday when we head to get the results. I hesitated for a second when they asked to film, but in thinking about it I realized it wouldn't change anything whether they film it or not. At this point, nothing will change the outcome - other than a miracle. A miracle? But we wouldn't even know if a miracle occurred since we wouldn't have a before and after. And I don't even know what type of miracle would be best. Would the best miracle be that the tumor has not grown? Or is my path meant to teach me more? I don't know. I don't know what fate has in store for me. I have zero expectations. I still have anxiety because I'm scared. Not of dying - although that too - but of the memory of all the pain I've gone through - the brain surgeries especially. I honestly don't know if I can ever handle another brain surgery. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to. Three was enough.

Sweet dreams to all, I think I should head to bed early to see if I can magically get some extra rest. 

Since Dan's working so hard, I've been making him comfort food. Today I tried this recipe (using whole eggs - no dividing into whites, sub white cheddar for mozzarella, double the kale, and the addition of a bushel of beet greens):

It was a major hit!

Love you guys. Thank you for being my friends, my family. For cherishing me and for helping me bounce back when life is too hard for me to bear alone. You have no idea how much you help me. I am eternally grateful.


  1. You are in our prayers and thoughts for your MRI tomorrow. May the peace that passes all understanding fill you, Dan & your family as you wait for your results. I feel a miracle is what everyone who loves you & reads your blog is praying for you.
    Super great to hear little by little you are beginning to feel better sweet girl. You deserve the praise given !!!!

  2. You are always in my thoughts. Everyday! Your strength, determination, dedication to your health and to living, your good spirit and great attitude, your courage, your honesty, the amount of love in your all astounds me. I pray so deeply that you will be healed. Thank you for the update, and good luck tomorrow!

  3. I think of you all the time!! You do not even know that knowing you are out there being you, helps my heart and always makes me feel more capable and stronger. I could not adore and appreciate you more if I tried!!
    Love, Maleka

  4. I'll be thinking about you on Monday. I can't imagine the anxiety of forcing yourself to review the results... no set times or people to keep you on track. Your soul is braver than most will ever have to be tested. No matter the results, your grace, humor, and humility will continue to teach us all!
    -Claire (The Enforcer)

  5. Nothing but love. Nothing but love. Nothing but love.

  6. Jessie.....the picture of your dinner looked so good, I made it last night and it was fabulous.....I love that blog as well. So happy to hear that the MRI looks, Jennifer

  7. I'm honored that my recipe brought you some comfort. And love your substitutions and the tripled the greens - yum. Continue to be strong - sending positive energy your way!


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