More Valuable Than Gold

Last weekend I had a girls weekend up in Lake Chelan. We talked a bunch, laughed hysterically, and at one point, sobbed about the details of this diagnosis. With the right women, life isn't dramatic, it's just sincere, easy, funny, safe, and therapeutic.

It was women who are married, married with children, divorced with children, divorced, single, and dating. It was diverse. The main similarity was that they are all warmhearted and beautiful from the inside out. They're all strong, hard working (whether it's referring to their corporate life or their corporation which is their family), intelligent, powerful and thought provoking.

I have been so blessed by all of the beautiful people who continuously surround me with love and kindness. I'm grateful for wonderful listeners who, I believe, will take their knowledge from my illness and their experiences with me and carry them to continue to fill this world with love and empathy.

Without Danny I'm finding myself much more emotional. Maybe it's because I always talk things out with him. Now that he's gone I'm alone with my thoughts and emotions. Usually it comes out with laughter, but Dan is my sounding board, who also pipes up with thoughtful insight.

I've always been very independent, but I'm starting to wonder how long I can keep it together. With Dan by my side I've been able to keep everything in perspective, I've also been able to be strong because I didn't want to cry very much. Now, while he's gone, I feel very vulnerable with my thoughts. I don't even spend the time to cut up veggies. I don't want to eat. Tears fall off my face and I can't stop it. I'm not sleeping. I have IBS (too much information, I know). I've always thought myself to be incredibly strong and stubborn, but I find myself not wanting to waste a single minute. I just want to be with him.

I'm trying to think positive thoughts. I cleaned the entire house from washing all of the walls, to running all curtains through the wash and then ironing them. I moved the furniture, I went through our hard drive and ordered prints for all of the frames in the house. I cleaned the bathroom and it's spotless. I could never keep it clean when there was a dirty boy around (don't tell him I said that), now you could eat off any surface. But the truth is, who cares, no one is going to eat off the toilet. Never.

I am thoroughly excited for this job and I'm exponentially grateful that Danny is willing to put in all of the effort and work to secure this job. He's incredibly smart, hard working, thoughtful, hilarious, kind, his hugs are worth more than gold, and I know that I have to be strong.

Details: Danny will be in Oregon for the majority of 5.5 months. Right now he's in school Monday through Saturday, 8:00am-5:00pm. After the first three weeks, once he passes a cumulative exam of the curriculum, he will be employed by Union Pacific Railroad. He will be a conductor. After the 5.5 months he will probably train in Portland for another six months to become an engineer. It's a long story.

Please send him as much love and energy as you can.

He's a highly educated man with two bachelor degrees but this economy sucks. I just keep thinking how appreciative I am that Danny has this job possibility. We will move wherever we can to take care of ourselves, I just don't like being apart. The truth is that I'm scared. I have horrible, horrible headaches. If I had a MRI machine I would hop in it once a month.

I want Danny to have this incredible job because he deserves it. I want him to have the best future he can. I'm happy that the income will help if I ever need experimental treatment, but most of all, I want Danny to have the life he deserves. For those who have met him, you know how wonderful he is. It's in his eyes, in his actions, in his kindness to others. The man is true and honest. I've never met anyone like him.