It's Okay To Be Weak

Well friends, we have yet to hear back about the third party results, which is just fine with me. For the first time in a long time I'm not anxious to hear the outcome. I just want to relax and not worry, and breathe, and live. I don't have the discipline that I used to. I am unable to restrict my diet, and am unable to rigorously exercise. I do not have the drive that I once had, which was born out of fear. The unfortunate thing is that fear was a bear, chasing me through the forrest, and without that same neurotic stress, I am unable to rise to the challenge of forgoing food, or drink, of pushing my body to extreme lengths for cardio or weights. I walk often and try to jog every once in awhile. I hit the sauna here and there, but I am in a state of relaxation, both mentally and physically. I am literally enjoying every moment. I spent years, several years, after diagnosis, trying wild extreme diets, taking hundreds of pills a day, trying random and scientific based treatments, and I'm tired. I don't have it in me anymore.

I honestly don't know how I ever restricted myself so diligently, so harshly. I'm just bone tired. But I'm happy. I'm thicker, and I don't love that, but I don't have the heart to discipline.

It's embarrassing that I can't practice what I preach, but it's the truth. It has been over 68 months since I was diagnosed, and 65 of those I was on crazy cancer diets. At times it has been a complete obsession. And when it wasn't an obsession it was the root of shame due to moments of failure, or stress from expectation. Living with cancer is living in a vortex. You're here but you're not. You're alive but every decision could lead to your death. Your stakes are impossibly higher than everyone else. I sometimes hear people say things like, "We're all dying." And I think, "What an asshole. Just shut up" The only people who say that are people who aren't in the vice of death's grip, or they're already diagnosed but trying to make other people feel better. There is nothing like living with cancer. You're supposed to just be happy to be alive, yet you're living in a slaughterhouse hearing the screams of your cancer family as they make it to the kill floor. You're being shuffled closer sometimes, and at other times you get shoved out of the way only to lose the friend next to you. It is a terrible emotional state that completely effs your brain. After years of this madness, it has taken such a toll on me that I can't bring myself to live in a state of constant battle. It's just too much. My stomach is so weak now from the years of drugs and supplements that I regularly vomit from queasiness. Last night my head may as well have been spinning, possessed, with horizontal projections - all from an off-label that I have been taking for almost a year. Dan was so terrified that he almost stayed home from work today to make sure I was okay. At a certain point you have to stop. Or at minimum take a break. My body can not take what it once did. Unfortunately, she never ceases to let me know.

I still eat quite healthy, sometimes less healthy (or worse yet much much less healthy) than at other times in my cancer journey, but as I have evolved I've realized that not only has my brain changed, and views changed, my physiology has changed, and my attitude has changed. Every single person in life has their journey. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of my life is, other than to share my story, and let people know that we are inherently strong, but we should know that sometimes it's okay to be weak too.

Sometimes we ride, and sometimes we carry.

UW Radiology Report

University of Washington just emailed me my radiology report, and since I can easily copy and paste, I thought I would post it here in case it might be helpful to others. UCLA doesn't provide a radiology report at their Tumor Board, however in the last post I included their opinion on my brain scan (hint: they think my tumor is growing). Now, because of the differences in opinion, we wait for the private third party review from Iris Radiology to determine if I'm in the early stages of a recurrence or whether the differences in findings are more a matter of MRI reading techniques.

Narrative

EXAMINATION:
MRI BRAIN WO/W CONT

CLINICAL INDICATION:
History of left parietal infiltrating astrocytoma status post resection.

TECHNIQUE:
MRI Head Tumor (Primary) contrast plus post GD SAG T1 (Glioma /GBM)(B 2PT)

Non-contrast Head: Axial T1, axial T2, axial diffusion.
Post-contrast Head: 3D FLAIR (Sag, Ax, & Cor), axial diffusion. Axial, coronal
& sagittal T1.

CONTRAST:
Prohance 15 ml 10/24/2015 08:10 AM INTRAVENOUS


COMPARISON:
Multiple prior MRIs of the brain, most recent dated 3/22/2015.

FINDINGS:
Post surgical changes compatible with left parietal craniotomy and tumor
resection again noted. Surrounding FLAIR hyperintensity is unchanged. There is
no evidence of new areas of enhancement at the resection site or elsewhere in
the brain parenchyma. A right frontal developmental venous anomaly is noted.

Incidental note of small intracranial right vertebral artery flow void again
noted and unchanged from 3/22/2015. Otherwise, the major vascular flow voids
through the circle of Willis are patent.

The ventricles and sulci are unchanged in size. There is stable ex vacuo
dilatation of the left lateral ventricle due to volume loss.

Orbital structures and extracranial soft tissues are normal.

ATTENDING RADIOLOGIST AND PAGER NUMBER

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