Decidedly North

I am delightfully exhausted. Texas was everything we could have dreamed, and more. Since we've been home, I've been indulging myself by working on craft projects, deep cleaning the home, and just doing whatever I want (which, truthfully, consists of load after load of laundry). There's only so much time in the day, and by taking time off from the blog I've been able to spend my energy on less emotional things like taking the bus to Target. It sounds silly, but just taking a bus and shopping can be very taxing on my body. There was a time when I couldn't even handle box stores because of the loud sounds, flux of people, and obnoxiously bright florescent lights, it was seizure inducing.

This blog has been such an amazing tool. It has helped me process this experience, recover from surgeries by practicing my language and typing skills, and it has brought me friends, both old and new. My biggest joy, however, has been helping consult with brain tumor fighters. On average I talk to 3-5 different people (usually newly diagnosed) over the phone per week. The phone calls range from 1.5 hours to 3 hours. There is so much to know when dealing with the horrible diagnosis of a brain tumor, and I love sharing everything I know. I wish we would have had someone to teach us the ropes, to explain the different types of surgeries, the scans, the difference between a neurosurgeon and a great neurosurgeon. When you're newly diagnosed you don't know that there are life changing differences between brain centers.

I am very grateful for every person who contacts me about their diagnosis. It makes me feel useful, helpful, that I'm possibly preventing one less complication, or extending their life in some cases. The difference between a complete resection and a partial is most definitely a no-brainer. No pun intended. You always want to get the bulk, or all of the tumor out, and sometimes one surgeon can get it all out when most other surgeons aren't comfortable attempting. Anyway, I won't go into all of it here, but just know that there are always tricks, and things to know, from people that have gone before us. I have learned so much from others, and all I want to do is make other tumor fighter's lives easier. Due to all of the phone consultations, I end up feeling first, energized, then exhausted. I wouldn't change it, though. I guess the only tricky part is that it does make me less able to write on the blog. I can only deal with so much emotionally charged stuff in a day.

The wonderful news, though, is that I don't have much to write about when discussing my tumor. At this point I'm just trying to remain healthy, and focus on helping others navigate this crazy brain tumor world. 

Here's my latest craft project:

Now I just need to change my last name...

And for some of my favorite TX photos:

I heard a quote the other day, "Would you rather be a shooting star or the North Star?" Contradicting in nature. Equally powerful. When I was younger, or more accurately, before the diagnosis, I held the stance that I would rather be a shooting star, an asteroid, a comet. To live life loudly, without abandon, with no regrets. But now, in this life, my tumor life, I yearn for the life of the North Star. I work toward slow and steady, reliable, longevity, dependability. When faced with death, literally, my own mortality, it changes how I view life, what I cherish. I don't want to just be Dan's shooting star, a blip, a hot flash. I would give anything to have a long, happy life as Dan's North Star, as he is mine. 

Texas For Thanksgiving

Tomorrow morning, Dan and I will be on an early flight to Fort Worth, Texas. Yay!!!

Back in July, you may remember that my MRI scan came up with an area of concern. Dr L and the UCLA team wanted me to fly back to LA for a Dopa PET scan to assess the situation, but I really wanted to give the chlorotoxin some time to do its' thing. The doctors said it would be fine to wait until my usually scheduled three month MRI, placing all of the testing out until October. In the meantime I was very scared. I felt certain that the area of growth was truly tumor, and at the time the doctors warned me that if it was in fact tumor they would be recommending further treatment (like radiation or chemo).

This brings me to one of my life dreams. I've never considered creating a "bucket list" or anything of that nature, but there is one thing that I have always wanted to do with Dan: take him to Fort Worth to check out the city, show him where I came into adulthood, and most of all get back to TCU for a football game. The problem is that we're always on such a short time span. It's always three months by three months by three months, never knowing if I'm on the cusp of further treatment. Flash back to July, Jobi and her husband visited the NW for her birthday (you'll remember she's one of my college roommates). As women do, Jobi and I, later, devised a master plan for Dan and I to visit her turf. I talked to Dan and we decided that even if we were doing chemo we could handle the trip. (The chemo for gliomas is uniformly pills that you administer yourself.) Thankfully, I'm not doing chemo or radiation - one more thing to celebrate!

Flash forward to tomorrow, in the wee hours Dan and I will hop on an Alaska Air flight. We will make our way to the lone star state. We will head to the ranch and celebrate with a friend's Thanksgiving! Jobi and I are going to cook up a storm; the boys are doing some sort of delicious deep fried turkey (yum!). We will ride around the wild Texas ranch, and probably shoot some guns - don't worry, probably not at the same time (my friend Meghan MF, and all of my anti-gun friends, are vomiting in their mouths right now). It's going to be the best throwback to my college days! Then on Saturday, we will head to the TCU vs Baylor football game, which also just happens to be the final home game. I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

I haven't been back to TCU since 2004, for Jess Abu's graduation. I have so many wonderful, hilarious, memories from college. To mentally prepare for the trip, I just pulled out some old photos. Here's the first picture I ever took on the first day I started living away from my parents. I was sitting on the front steps of Shirley dorm.

Here's a few random photos from my college days. Looking back makes me very grateful for the opportunity to attend a college half the country away. To go to a state where I knew no one was definitely a challenge, but it helped me grow, and evolve, and learn, and observe (TX seriously is like a different country), and make new friends, and work my way into an adulthood. I wish I would have taken more pictures, but what I do have came from those old disposable cameras, so I'm just lucky I have any photos at all. Aaaah, the days before camera phones. Actually, at this point of my life I didn't even have a cell phone. I remember being a little bit proud of that fact. Of course, I eventually caved. :)

Aaaaaand, for the original "photo bomb".