Soliciting Laughter

Sorry for the meltdown the other day. I'm better :) Yesterday afternoon Dan and I got a nice five mile jog in. Running always makes me feel better. There's something about being outside, about feeling the burn in my quads, of the splats of Seattle mud on the back of my calves, that makes me feel accomplished, and connected. It makes me happy, and feel deeply alive.

Today is the five month anniversary of my brain surgery. Can you believe how quickly time has flown by? I can't.

Even with the occasional threat of a seizure, I feel like I'm persevering - and thriving. I have bouts of frustration (to be expected), but just as quickly as they come - they go. It's so hard to not freak out, to not over analyze things - diet, toxins, chemicals, etc. At times, it seems like everything is out there to kill me. But that's no way to live! It's too stressful. Instead of constantly researching things to avoid, I'm going to take some time to only check out novels from the library. I'm banning non-fiction for a bit :)

As soon as I'm back running, I get things back in perspective. I am incredibly healthy, and very, very fortunate to be constantly progressing and healing. Just months ago I was under anesthesia. My brain was being explored - "cleaned" - if you will. My right hand and foot are still numb, but it's much better. I'm not sure if the sensation is coming back so much or if I'm just getting pretty awesome at compensating :) ...see...I'm feeling MUCH better. Either way, I don't care that much about the details, I'm just glad that I can put my earrings in, and clasp my bra. These are a few of the things that bring me great joy.

On another note, a very VERY sincere thank you for all of the donations to my medical account! We have paid for the clinic in Germany AND the shot in New York. Thank you for the help! I am so incredibly grateful, I can't even express my gratitude. I wish I could give each of you hugs. Just imagine you're getting a hug, please :)

Also, if you haven't heard, there is a man who has been attacking women around Green Lake. Please be careful! The article I read said the attack was along Wallingford Ave N and E Green Lake Dr. A man came out of the bushes and jumped on the woman. She screamed and a male bicyclist chased the attacker away. It happened around 6:30 a.m. Maybe don't run alone? Or avoid running in the dark? Perhaps take mace? Just wanted to throw that out there.

Back to the anniversary, cheers to another five months! In honor of today, please either tickle someone or hide behind a corner and surprise someone (preferably someone you know). Today is all about soliciting laughter :)

Oops

I napped most of yesterday, trying to get back on my feet. I thought that resting for a day and getting a good night's sleep would be enough. So, this morning Dan and I went out for our 6 mile run. Half a mile into it I started to get dizzy, and nauseous. My body is so off. I can't even explain it. If you remember, when I had my first seizure, the grand mal, I was driving alone on a highway, cruising at about 60 miles per hour, weaving along a ledge above the Wenatchee river west of Leavenworth. I had a weird sensation, a minute change in vision, like everything was slightly over exposed. I became nauseous, and dizzy, and although I had no way to know what was about to happen, I pulled over. As I put the car into park my body began convulsing, my eyes rolled up and the last thing I saw was the ceiling.

I have no idea how I knew to pull over. None of the things were so severe that I was scared, it was just an odd feeling, an indescribable sensation. From time to time I get these premonitions and they're scary. I never want to freak out, and it's important that I know how to keep myself safe. So far I have been able to avoid any other grand mal seizures, but they still have a hold on my life. I still have to be really careful. When my body alerts me, I take it very seriously.

I never want to have another seizure ever again, if that's possible. Flash back to this morning, Dan ran into Dukes at Greenlake to get me ice water. I chugged it (ice water is what it takes to immediately calm my over active brain - along with lorazepam), we sat for awhile, then walked home to rest.

I hate it that my body isn't as capable as others. I hate that I have limitations. I hate it that this makes me cry. I hate that my brain is working so hard, yet short circuits so easily. I hate it that I can't power through life with a coffee and tenacity. I feel so frustrated and sad. I'm lucky to be here. I'm so grateful to be alive. And I MEAN that. Deeply. But I'm also frustrated.

I probably won't be emailing or texting for a bit. I need to just gather my wits.

And mom and dad, please don't panic. I'm just venting. Seriously. And I need rest. I love you all.

And thank you Christel. You are amazing. And I am so grateful to you.