Yawn Waves

Sorry I've been very sparse with my postings. We've been preparing for Danny to take off for his training in Portland. When it rains it pours, now Danny has a possible job opportunity in Wenatchee (just a possibility not an actual offer). We've been scrambling to play with the hypotheticals of both positions. The difference between living in Seattle and Wenatchee, the difference in pay and most of all the difference in medical benefits.

I find that I'm not sleeping well with all of the changes, and uncertainty. I'm trying to keep my knees bent, but it's exhausting. I'm working on taking it in stride, focusing on each day, but at the same time we have to analyze every detail to make sure that we're making the right decision. A career change, a location change, a huge lifestyle change, any one of those things is overwhelming let alone all three.

Last night I could barely sleep with all of the thoughts racing through my mind. I try to quiet them down, but there's a lot to do, a lot to analyze, and I'm sad about the possibility of doing long distance. I'll miss having Danny around. It's as simple as reading our books before we fall asleep at night. I love talking to Danny, we're always laughing even when we're trying to fall asleep. I know that there's always a phone, but a phone doesn't hug or give a smirk when I miss the door jam as I'm walking.

Anyway, with all of this stress I've found a new way to fall asleep. It's kind of an old new way because I've done it before, but forgot about it. I start by laying in bed with my eyes closed. I pick a person, a friend or a friend of a friend, and I think about what's going on in their life. I focus on thinking positive thoughts about them, something like, "I hope that so-and-so's husband notices how beautiful she is, and says it to her tomorrow." If for example, I know a friend isn't feeling acknowledged and attractive. It's kind of a goofy or dumb thing to do, but I feel better, like I'm a guardian angel in training. I just want my friends and the friends of my friends, everyone in fact, to have wonderful, fulfilling, happy lives each day. Who knows if my nighttime ritual helps anything. I know I'm not powerful enough to change other people's behavior, but a girl can dream for happiness for others.

When I was younger, I told my mother I was convinced there was an invisible yawn wave. I had watched people catch a yawn from other people, even when they weren't looking at each other. I also noticed an instance where a woman caught a yawn from another person at a traffic light, never having noticed the yawn instigator. I can't seem to figure out the refraction of the yawn wave or the physics of it, but I'm convinced it exists. I'd like to think that dreaming for others, like the specific happy thoughts for my friends, even when they're not in a close vicinity, could be like a yawn wave.

Ramblings

Oops. I've misplaced my camera cord, which is the only way I know how to download my photos. Pesky little thing, snaking away like that. I have a few photos from over the past several days that I'd like to share, but oh well, it wasn't to be.

Do you ever feel like you need distractions to get outside of yourself? I do. If I have too much time to think, or spend too much free time on the internet, I can tend to punish myself and Google my life expectancy. Now, why in the world would I do that?! It just seems self destructive and insane. I already know the numbers. I have a median survival rate of 4 years (according to the WHO).

I know that people can get hit by a car tomorrow, but that's not the same thing as having a mark on your head to get hit by a car and die within 8 years (the car analogy is a poor one anyway, it's not like this thing is going to strike me dead all of a sudden - it will be a deterioration). Some people have told me to ignore this tumor, just to live my life but I feel like that's short sighted and completely impossible. Danny and I have talked at length about this tumor, our lives, and how things are going to be different because of our situation.

I don't shut down when I'm afraid, I still live my life. In fact, when I'm really scared, I want to do everything all at once. I want to read my book, pull weeds, trim plants, hug my parents, visit with friends, run with the girls, talk all night with Danny, think about all of the wonderful people in my life and soak it all in.

I'm still running like a mad woman. I think it's pretty crazy that after the brain surgeries it took me five months to be able to run a 10k. Now, I'm running four 10ks a week (as a workout, not running in actual races). Sometimes, when I'm pushing my legs to move as fast as I can, I think about outrunning this crazy little nugget in my brain. I'm working toward a balance between acknowledging how far I've come, the things I'm capable of doing now, and being honest about what may come. In order for me to truly be grateful I have to assess the fact that I will not always be as healthy as I am now. I could have just as easily been diagnosed with a stage 3 or 4 brain tumor. I am incredibly grateful for every moment I have. That doesn't mean that I don't get down, or scared. In fact, I think it would be odd if I didn't.

I'm scared, but more than that, I'm grateful. I have my strength, I have my hair (woo hoo!), I have a wonderful family, and insanely loving and kind husband, I have supportive friends, happy bunnies and nests full of baby birds outside my doorstep. I have it all. I even have the love from my friend's children. Quick story, I picked up my friend Jenny yesterday, and as we were leaving I gave both of her children a hug (ages 3 & 2). I asked her youngest, Jackson, if I could have a hug, fulling knowing that he isn't always generous with the hugs for people. Not only did he quickly come over for a hug, he initiated a full blown kiss on the lips. Wowza! Hot dog! Yep, Danny'd better watch out, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with that little guy. I'm a very lucky girl. I'm scared (I know, I know I already said that) but more than that I'm very happy, very grateful, and so thrilled to be alive and kickin'. Every day I'm given love from so many directions. I have everything to be grateful about, and everything to look forward to.

Sorry this whole blog post is jumping all over the place, I guess I have a lot to say and it's not coming together very cohesively. One of the reasons why I've been scared lately, several days ago, the left side of my upper lip became paralyzed for almost five minutes. It was incredibly tense, the skin and muscle below were tight, poofed and spamming. It effected the area around the lip and side of my mouth. It was incredibly scary to lose complete control.

Most people would think that it's a normal bodily tick, and perhaps it was. But, the doctors have been tracking a twitch underneath one of my eyes. Apparently, twitches (and now the partial lip paralysis) could be baby seizures, perhaps even signaling real seizure. So, although I believe the facial freezing was just a normal thing it was still scary. I live my life not stifled by fear, but there is definitely an undercurrent. I don't have the luxury of saying, "Oh, I'm sure it's fine." Instead, I have to note the date and time, and the symptoms. It's hard when to know if I'm been to minute with my symptoms or observations, but I figure it's better for me to take the time and listen to my body, than to ignore it and jump behind the wheel of my car only to have a seizure and injure someone. 

So that's that. On a final happy note, here is a list of veggies in my garden this year:

Vegetable & Fruit Garden
Kale
Purple Cabbage (bunnies are already eating these...I should have known)
Cherry Tomatoes
Abe Lincoln Tomatoes
Beefsteak Tomatoes
Roma Tomatoes
Lemon Cucumbers
Zucchini
Sweet Onions
Cantaloupe 
Watermelon

Pepper Garden:
Jalapenos
New Mexico Peppers
Habanero
Orange Habanero
Anaheim
Ancho/Poblano
Cayenne
Super Cayenne
Hot Banana

Herb Garden
Sweet Basil
Red Rubin Basil
Purple Ruffle Basil
Dill
Cilantro
Flat Leaf Parsley
Chives
Moroccan Mint
Pineapple Mint

Lots of goodies this year! I should have known that the bunnies would eat the cabbage before it even got started. I know all about Peter Rabbit and his rummaging through the cabbage patch. Oh well. It's worth it!