Thank you for the encouragement. I am so incredibly disappointed that I had another seizure. And, I absolutely agree that my friends were just worried about me. It makes me sad though, that my friends are concerned, that they think it is a bad idea for me to join them in any situation - not that they're wrong, but it sucks. It hurts deeply. I know that wasn't the intention, but it was definitely a reality check. I don't want to just sit on couches, drink tea and visit. I don't want to be stuck in small groups. I don't always want to play it safe all the time, I want to live my life. It is very hard to have to hold back, to not participate - even if it's what's best for me.
"Liability" was my word, not my friend's, but that's how it made me feel. My friends care very deeply for me, and they addressed the issue out of pure concern, but it is pretty awful to have people think you can't do something - or at least deeply question your ability. Not everyone is going to be invited to everything, we're not all going to get participation medals. Life slapped me in the face on this one, though. It was a direct comparison to what I used to be able to do, and what now I can do no longer. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I'm slipping away.
None of this was the intention of my buddies, but this cancer is a wicked, evil thing that knows no boundaries. I don't blame them for their concern, in fact I LOVE them for it, they only want what is best for me. Both sides are complicated. Ultimately, I don't have any business engaging in a pub crawl. I want to engage, though, to be included and have the option.
Either way, it certainly isn't the end of the world. Wires get crossed, intentions become misconstrued. This was a great lesson for me, to just allow some of the party to pass me by. They are great friends, and are always willing to meet up for more subtle, intimate get-togethers. I just need to focus on those, and put my expectations lower. I don't need to party, party, party. I have to do what's best for me, and I think that was what my girl friends were trying to do.
