Why are we so mean to ourselves? Especially women. I know I'm not the only one who does it. I have a little voice in my head that is really negative. I don't know why he's such a jerk, or why he seems to be male, but I don't like it. I know Dan would tell him to buzz off, why can't I? He pipes up when I look down at my thighs, when I pass my reflection. He always pipes up about what I eat, how much I eat, my activities, my life. He's really getting on my nerves. Why do we allow that, those mean voices in our minds? To a certain extent, I guess it can be a good thing because it can encourage change, but that's only if you're motivated by punishment and fear. It gets worse when I research, when I find myself falling through the vortex of the tumor world. I watch the amazing lifestyles that some lead, full of perfect calorically restricted ketogenic diets, hundreds of pills a day, tonics, meditation, exercise, rest, these people are amazing - not cheating, just pure dedication. Some have gone well over a year without a single cheat. I read and I'm inspired, and yet reading about their journeys make me feel like I'm a lazy slouch, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm failing, that I'm killing myself because I'm not making smart enough decisions, like the green apple I had for breakfast this morning. In the restricted cancer diet, eating a green apple might as well be a cookie. It's sugar. I know, because I've tried so very hard, that I am not cable of being completely regimented. It makes me feel crazy, and trapped, and snuffs my little light of happiness and hope. I want to live a long healthy life, but I also want to enjoy myself. But, because I've researched the crap out of cancer diets, I also know too much to be ignorant so I end up never feeling happy with my choices. If I'm too strict, I'm miserable. If I'm too lax, I feel guilty. The little guy in my head is mocking me. Jerk. I'm doing exactly what he wants me to do: feel crazy.
So what do I do? Do I quit researching, quit reading up on new treatments, new information? I wish I had the type of constitution that could just slough stuff off. I'm working on it, but man is it hard. Clearly I need to force myself back into yoga and meditation. But I'm so bad at it. Both always feel great at the time, but I don't crave them, instead they feel kind of like a chore. I feel bad even saying that, but it's how I feel. I guess I have to just keep up the running. I feel like that a-hole in my mind that loves to tear me down is not a runner. He hibernates. He hates it. What a lazy SOB. See, look how you guys just helped me work that out? We just found his Achilles heel. Ha! I think we all have a nasty worm that infiltrates our thoughts. The trick is to outsmart him.
It's stressful living with the MRI's and weight of having a tumor, never knowing if you're doing enough. I don't want to get a bad scan because at that time it will be too late to backtrack and be more strict. Ugh. The world of brain tumors. Never knowing if you can beat it, never knowing the perfect combo, if those consistent apples will be enough to feed the tumor to kill me. Who would have thought this could be so hard. So detailed. So complicated.
As for the melanomic whatever that is growing on my breast (and the other mole), I have the OR scheduled for April 3rd. My reconstructive surgeon is pretty cool too, so that is a huge relief. It will be nice to get those areas removed. It's a heavy weight watching them grow. Of course, just as I unload my fears, my stresses on this blog, I am still chair dancing as I type. I've just remembered that when you dance, even if it's just with your shoulders, you can't have a dark cloud. It's impossible. Note to self: dance more.
A few things that made me smile today:
