Last night, around 11:00 pm, Danny gently woke me up. Apparently he noticed my body jerking, my arms stiff along my body. My fists were clenched and my mouth was foaming. I don't remember any of it, but after i woke I was completely confused and my head felt like it was exploding.
Danny is going to email Dr Liau to keep her informed. Hopefully she will also finally give us the results from January's MRI. The delay is because UW didn't send the MRI disk to LA until weeks after the scan. I have been constantly checking in with them, and UCLA. It has been frustrating, and I'm so grateful that I have a low stage tumor, a glioblastoma fighter would not be able to be so liberal with their time.
After discussing possible causes of the seizure, Dan and I came up with a myriad of reasons...
1. I'm stressed because I still have not gotten the results from my January MRI.
2. My body is still recovering from the brain surgery.
3. In just over a month I have flown to Germany and New York. Jet-lag is very hard on your body, especially when dealing with an illness.
4. Danny is working 12 hour days, 6 days a week. Our schedules are all messed up.
5. Girlfriends of mine are hosting an annual trail run, then they do a huge pub crawl. I had been planning on joining them, but they decided (after talking privately) that they didn't think I should come. I was only planning on going for the run, then visit for an hour or two, then my dad would come pick me up. I know I can't do it all, but I still want to see my friends. Hearing that my friends didn't think it was a good idea for me to join them was incredibly painful. The truth, in their minds, is that I am a liability. What people don't know, is that 90% of the time I pass on invites to get out and socialize for just that reason. By my girlfriends basically disinviting me, it conjured up deep rooted feelings of insecurity. I always worry that something might happen, that I might become too tired in a given situation, or that heaven forbid I have a seizure. I understand that my limitations cause me to not be the best candidate for social situations. I don't blame them though, for how they feel. That's the hardest part with your closest friends, you wish that they would want you around no matter what. That they would love to spend time with you, that they don't only want to be with you when it's convenient. My life isn't convenient. My life is unpredictable. And I never know how long my body will hold up. I should expect my friends to want me in all situations. I'm a lot of work. But it hurts. It just sucks.
I'm exhausted. It's time for a nap. My life continues to change - drastically in the past 24 hours. All I have is this present moment, and I have no idea what will become of me.
Ultimately, one could say they were right to disinvite me, judging by last night's events, but does that mean I'm supposed to just stay at home for the rest of my life? Or remain on couches. Play it safe and miss out on fun social situations? I don't have the answer, but I do know that I'm not interested in fighting to be with my friends if they don't have faith that I can conquer things. My dad offered to ride his bike as I jogged for the trail run, but it's not fun to try and include yourself when people are on the fence.
