I'm back home after a week on the island (Friday Harbor). I'm sorry for not contacting people. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by going home. There are so many people that I would love to visit, and since I can't contact everyone, I often end up hiding out. Of course, I can't drive anyway, so that makes it easy to hide.
It's nice to be back. I just did my 40 minute workout - 30 minutes of running with 5 minute warm up and 5 cool down. I didn't feel like working out, but I told myself, now that I have a treadmill in my living room, I need to take advantage of the opportunity.
While I ran, listening to my MP3 player and watching the Jets come back against the Texans, I thought to myself, "I don't live to run. I run to live." What a crazy concept. I'm literally running to defeat the grim reaper. Of course, most people work out to be healthy and live long lives, but I truly feel a responsibility to exercise. While I was on the island I went for a few walks but I didn't run. I was scared to run on the road and go too far from the house. I was worried about having a seizure and not having someone help me. It's these little fears that make me frustrated. The seizures are real, in fact just as I was running on my treadmill a few minutes ago, I had to stop and get water because my right arm started slightly tingling. After I had some cold water it was better. I only had five minutes left of running so I just dialed down the speed. I thought it was important to finish my goal, to set a precedent. It's hard to know when to push and when to back off. I don't want to be a woman living in fear. I want to conquer mountains, not lay on the couch. At the same time, out of respect for everyone who loves me, I have to sleep a lot, and take it easy. Stress and sleep are the #1 killer and #1 healer for brain tumor function, respectively.
My life has changed so much, each decision, every activity. I have to weigh each choice so much, then re-evaluate. I can't just open the door and take off for a jog. Sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining. I know it's not the end of the world, I'm just trying to navigate the new rules of my life.
Earlier today, as I was watching the national news, a girl was talking about her addiction to sun tanning. She has skin cancer, and yet still tans. She was giggling, and shrugging her shoulders as if to say, "Yep, I'm crazy, but hey, I'm hot." I was shocked, and it really got me thinking. What are people really willing to do when they get diagnosed with cancer or other illnesses? Shoot. I'm afraid to color my hair because of the dye, and here's this crazy girl tanning with cancer. I wonder if beauty can be an addiction? That reminds me, I need a hair cut. I've only had two hair cuts since the brain surgeries. I'm nervous to have someone deal with the scar. It's such a private, graphic, intimate look into my life. It's hard to be that vulnerable sometimes.
On a side note, I my first article was published. If you're interested, you can click on the following link:
Island Guardian
http://www.islandguardian.com/archives/00004017.html
