I'm completely exhausted, probably due to the seizure, the ER, the MRI, the oncologist's office, and the reality of the changes in my health.
Even though I'm aware of my brain tumor, over the past year, I had tried so hard to get back to a normal life. A life full of family, friends, work, volunteering, gardening, running, a life without limits. Now, I'm cutting back my work to 2 hours a day, in fact, I have to cut back on everything my life. I'm either going to collapse in a fit of seizures or I can sleep more, remove most of my social calendar, walk instead of run, and change my hobbies to reading and painting. Things that are not stressful. I'm scared to push myself too hard. I'm very light headed these days, and I'm terrified of having another seizure. It was horrible. I feel like I must have looked like I was possessed or something. I'm scared that I don't know what exactly triggered it. I'm scared that I don't exactly know how to prevent it. I'm scared to hurt myself or others.
This last MRI was eye opening too. I honestly thought I would have another year or two before I had tumor regrowth. I'm young. I'm only 30 and I've always been incredibly healthy. For crying out loud, I earned the presidential fitness test in high school (sounds fancy but it wasn't really a big deal). The tumor in my brain is happily growing. What an idiot. The stupid thing doesn't realize that if I die, it dies with me. Unfortunately, you can't talk sense to a brain tumor.
Time for bed. The new seizure medicine which I take each morning and night makes me very sleepy. I'm pretty drained, definitely confused, and still reeling from the events of the past week. I don't like the reality of this brain tumor. I can deal with the theory of it, but the reality totally sucks.
