For this presentation, I was wanting to revamp my whole process but I just couldn't pull it together. My mind is often cloudy and I feel like the synapses aren't firing at the optimum level. Sometimes my brain feels like Homer Simpson's.
I still feel like my brain is grasping for connections, and my thoughts don't work as seamlessly as they did before the surgeries. Last night, as Danny and I were talking about this frustrating little situation, he reminded me that I've only had one year to recover.
It's hard to be patient though. It's easy to feel like I'm plateauing, or even regressing. Sometimes I feel stupid. I do fine talking in conversations, the problem is the thoughts swirling in my head when I'm trying to organize large scale ideas. My inability of mental organization is incredibly foreign. I used to conquer all kinds of difficult mental tasks. I loved a challenge, and excelled at schooling. Now I feel slow, and inept. At times I still feel like a guest in my own brain, trying to navigate through thoughts. It's hard to explain.
Brain trauma is hard to explain to people. You can't see it. A lot of times, people can't tell the difference between Jessica before and after. I have a hard time when I'm exhausted or stressed, and that can be isolating and frustrating. I'm not able to just push through. It's not the end of the world and I'm incredibly grateful to have progressed so far already. I'm just sharing how I feel on the inside, the part that people can't see.
