The Life He Deserves

There's been a lot of snuggling in our little cottage tonight...

The brain scan is scheduled for 7:30 am tomorrow morning. I should have a copy of the scan by 9:30 am or 10:00 am. A final readout should be available on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. 

Am I scared? Yep. Always. It's unnerving and surreal to have a mass growing in your brain. I'm starting to become an expert in a process I have no desire to be fluent. 

If I have a bad scan, we have back up plans. They aren't definitive, it has to do more with further genetic testing, but it's a start. The biggest disappointment, if they show tumor growth, will be the doubt it will create in my mind. It would, inevitably, effect my confidence and psyche. I haven't felt this good since before I was diagnosed. I'm gently driving again, and have been free of auras and seizures (knock on wood) for just shy of a year. I have more energy, and I'm all around happier. I've found a groove. 

I hope, I dream, I pray that my tumor has not grown and that I will have four more months of freedom. 

Tonight, Dan picked a funny movie to distract ourselves. Tired from a long day, I scooted over and leaned my head onto his lap. I rolled to face him, and he looked into my eyes. We sat there ignoring the movie for a few moments. I don't know what he was thinking as he stroked the hair from my face, but I was thinking about how sorry I am that he has to deal with this type of stressful life. This roller coaster of living scan to scan, never knowing if things will be okay, or if they're about to get worse. There are many stresses in cancer, and I wish I could shelter him. I just love him so very much. I wish I could give him the life he deserves. And hopefully, someday, I will.

Don't Fear The Lemons

I've been resting, and trying to crazily distract myself from the MRI on Saturday at the same time. I am a living contradiction. How human of me.

I feel calmer than normal about this MRI. I'm not feeling more confident, I just feel like I don't know what life is going to bring me. My fate. So many people have come before me, fighting cancers and illnesses, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the people who survive aren't the ones you'd expect. I can work as diligently as possible, exhausting as many treatments as I can afford, and that is literally all I can do. And you know what, I may find that nothing will stop this monster in my brain. Or, randomly, one of these scans we will realize that he has not been growing and that all of my very hard work has been panning out.

In the meantime, I have been having so much fun. Not like I've been out doing crazy activities, but I have been really enjoying each moment. I've been driving more; I've expanded my radius to approximately 5 miles from our home. I feel free, and happy, and calm when I drive. I don't talk on my phone, or check text messages. I keep the radio on low, the vents are on low. I avoid high traffic times of the day, and I use back roads. If the posted speed limit is 35 mph, I'm plugging along at 30-33 mph. That reminds me, next time there's a slowpoke in front of you, please think of people like me. I pull over when there's someone behind me, because I'm cognizant of what it's like to be stuck behind a Sunday driver, but there are those that are scared, and just need to keep moving forward. Ignore me if I sound preachy, I was just trying to provide a different inner monologue for your next trip stuck behind a slug.

Today, I drove myself to the gym then headed all the way to Sky Nursery. I have been wanting a citrus plant for a few years, but I didn't want to spend the money. Since Dan worked so hard last weekend, clocking a good 24 hours, he said I could treat myself. Isn't he sweet?! So, he's still at work, but I can't wait to introduce him to our newest addition.....

I've been joking with a couple of friends, sending photos of our new family member, that when life gives you lemons, go out and grow your own because clearly, you are meant to have lemons. I'm not afraid lemons, or the connotation. I don't invite negativity or hardships, but I've learned that things are only as powerful as I allow them to be. And each time I look at this little guy, it makes me feel accomplished, proud of myself; I feel fearless, and grateful. It reminds me of all of the hard work I've done, the times when I had no hair, when I had trouble walking, and running, and speaking, and reading. Lemons are nothing to fear because I am resilient. I don't know what my role on this Earth is. I don't know if I'll be able to stop Hermie from growing. I don't know what happens when people die. Clearly, I don't know much about a lot of things, but one thing that I do know is that I am eternally happy with my life. And I'm grateful for the joys of this world.