1st Solo Trip

Okay, so I only made it 1 block, then started to panic. I was slogging, and I couldn't feel my right foot, leg, arm or hand and my heart started racing, and I wondered what would happen if I had a seizure (I've been feeling off), would anyone find me? How long would it take? I would end up in an ambulance all alone, in a hospital all alone, and I thought to myself, "Why am I pushing this?"

Last surgery it took 5 months to be able to slog a 10k. I haven't even walked alone yet and here I was on a journey around the lake which would require 45 minutes of running, door to door, at my pre-surgery pace. Sometimes I jump into things too quickly...

Hey everyone, this is Dan and I have commandeered this blog from Jessica. I came home early today to find Jess in a less then desirable state. She was completely exhausted, stressed to the limit, and still trying to finish her blog. Although the parameters will need to be discussed, I feel it is necessary to institute  another technology blackout. Jess feels extremely guilty when she does not respond to texts and emails, or puts off blogging for too long. As with everything in her life she needs to be 100% in (or out in this case). If she is going to answer one email she will answer 100. She loves communicating with friends and family, and appreciates all the support, but sometimes her love for gab gets in the way of her healing. Jessica's recovery is so vastly different from her first surgery that it can trick you into thinking she is farther along then she is. Because she is doing so well physically its hard for me to remember that she is still only roughly five weeks removed from brain surgery. 

As with the cancer in general, you do not see the area that is hurting. There are no bandages or limps to identify the problem, just an attempt at understanding the intricacies of her healing brain. Many times I have misjudged Jess's comfort levels and stamina because her physical and communication skills can take her far past the end of her cognitive stamina.. Unfortunately, I usually do not know I have misjudged her comfort level until it is too late and she is burnt out. Jess is still attempting to get back to the routine of her normal life, and sometimes responding to the number of emails and texts she receives can take up a day in itself. She receives more emails and texts in one day, then i do in a week.

I hope that this will give everyone an understanding of why we are restricting Jessica's technological outlets for a bit. It is not just because I am mean, I promise. I am sure that she will be back at it within half the timeline we agree on, but it will give her some time to relax and catch up on much needed rest. She hopes everyone understands her silence, and thanks you all for your support. 

'till the next technological intervention, Dan.

P.S. I have been writing this for roughly ten minutes and Jess is already asleep.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Dan and I hosted our brother and sister-in-law and their son. Christel and I cooked an entire thanksgiving meal (my first). It was hilarious! I never understood the necessity of timing for such a feast. Usually I'm with the boys watching football. I seriously deeply appreciate the women (and few men) who have cooked Holiday meals in the past. It truly is a logistical nightmare! Some things were a little cold, a couple of things were forgotten, and we might have over cooked the turkey, but it was also delicious! Thankfully none of us are picky :)

Now I'm relaxing at my parents house. I think it's been around 6 months or so since I've been here, it tricky when you can't drive and traveling alone isn't an option. I've been excited to get here, but I was also very nervous. The movement and travel are exhausting. It kind of jumbled up my brain. It's frustrating but I try to remember that I'm just over a month past brain surgery.

I'm recovering well, but its also confusing. I look in the mirror and I think I look fine, but I don't always feel fine. I still can't leave the house alone. I can't be in fluorescent lights or shopping centers, or anywhere too loud. My brain gets overwhelmed easily, yet refuses to nap. My right side has not improved, but I'm learning to work around it. It takes 5-10 attempts to put a glove on my right hand. It takes about 10 +/- minutes to put earrings in. I can finally put a bra on by myself (no more sports bras...yes!) - still it takes several attempts. I'm getting better at doing things that make me feel like a normal girl, but the sensation is still horribly lacking. It's creepy, and messes with my confidence. I know it will get better bit it physically feels bad, it almost makes me nauseous and definitely frustrated. I want to run it out or go lift a weights to wake it up, but I can't leave the house alone and I can't workout at the gym because of the stimulation. I've gotten fatter, which I know will get better when I'm able to truly exercise, but it's hard to keep positive when I'm missing my endorphins.

I try and find someone to walk with five days a week, but at heart I'm a runner and I need speed. Hopefully ill be able to start pushing the boundaries so that I can get out alone. I'm scared though. I've been overwhelmed once since the surgery when I thought I might be having an aura. I took a lorazepam and stuck my head into the crisp cool air and I calmed down. I just don't want to have a seizure out around the lake all by myself, worse even would be along the walk to the lake among the neighborhoods. It could be very ugly. I don't want to push things and yet at the same time it's the only thing I DO want to do. It's all a gambling game.

I'm going to try and take a nap. I'm pooped.